Friday, October 31, 2008

McCain to give 30-minute closing argument


PHOENIX -- (PTSD News) -- To counter Senator Barack Obama's unprecedented half-hour "Closing Argument to the Everyman" that aired on several networks, Senator John McCain announced that he will be airing his own closing argument on Fox tomorrow night. Entitled "Thanks for Nothing, You Ungrateful Whores," the speech is basically a rant of all "the unfiltered straight talk the party bosses stifled me from saying for all these long months," according to McCain.

The presentation begins with McCain in full military uniform holding a picture of Barack Obama and saying "terrorist Muslim socialist" for ten minutes. McCain then blasts his own party for putting "the straight talker in a straight jacket." He calls the Republican party a bunch of bible-thumping morons who are following George W. Bush to the gates of hell because "that's surely where that sadist is headed."

"And thanks a lot, you imbeciles, who made me select Palin over Lieberman," McCain says. "Friggin' Mike Tyson would have been a better choice. He would have split the black vote and could have at least bitten off Biden’s ear at the debate. Seeing Russia from her house, my ass," McCain sneers as he pumps a cardboard cutout of Sarah Palin full of lead.

The last ten minutes are almost completely incomprehensible except for the phrase "friggin' economy" and "eight, nine houses, what's the goddamn difference?" The presentation ends with McCain staring into the camera and saying, "I'm John McCain, and I didn't approve of any of this crap."

"Once the American people can see the real John McCain giving them the unfettered straight talk," said Rick Davis, head of the McCain campaign, "they will know exactly who to vote for."

I hope McCain realizes that if he had gone back to his former set of bad principles instead of sticking to the ones he had to espouse to whore himself to his party to get their nomination, he'da at least stood a chance.

Note to Johnny boy: If ya really wanta make a newsworthy splash with your 'closing argument' time it so yer head, heart, and ass simultaneously explode just before the credits roll.

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