Who’s afraid of a little sodomy?

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford going on about Da Cooch of Virginia, the most sexually repressed AG in the country. By far too much so to be in charge of anything involving the law.

“The Cuccinelli.” Now available at participating Virginia Walmarts*

*That is called a "masturbation device". If you know how to masturbate with that, you best keep it to yourself. Heh.

There is something a little sad, if not enormously disturbing, about people like Ken Cuccinelli, the intensely troubled AG of Virginia and one-man Tea Party sideshow who is currently running for governor and who, if he has his way, will hereby outlaw sodomy and oral sex. For everyone. Forevermore.

Something desperate. Something lost. Something demented and strange, like rolling around on broken glass, like slapping yourself in the face with a furious eel, like openly molesting a bunch of baby asparagus. That’s Ken for you.

Have you heard? Virginia’s deepest embarrassment is making national news, again, for out-Rick Santoruming the legend himself.

Ooh! Make my mixture double frothy please!

In short, Ken Cuccinelli detests and fears pretty much everything you and I stand for, and we are hereby grateful he is lives so far from the Left Coast, and offer heartfelt sympathies to anyone left in Virginia with an active mind, heart or vagina.

Let us waste no more energy pointing up the absurdity of Ken’s agenda. Let us, instead, ponder widely to the heavens: What happened to him, growing up? How do people like Ken turn out this way? How does a single human accumulate so much shame and fear, to the point where they wish so much oppressive ill on the rest of the human race?

My theory is the other kids called him "Coochie, Coochie, Coochie!" until he went crazy.

It is, or course, a timeless and not at all insignificant question. It goes beyond simply wondering just how many women, homosexuals, playground pals and household pets rejected Ken and his awkward sexual advances when he was younger. It’s beyond pondering just how terrible were his parents, or if he was addicted to huffing glue as a teen, or if his father whipped him with a belt for enjoying “The Little Mermaid” a little too… vigorously.

That all might or might not be true. I am not a trained psychologist. I do not have professional insights into the cracked Wiffle Ball that is the Tea Party soul.
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We must also remember that America remains a broken and uneven sidewalk. There are still 13 states with anti-sodomy laws on the books, despite the unconstitutionality, and it will take another 10 years, minimum, before these backwater hateswamps catch up to the basic human rights enjoyed by the rest of us, and another decade on top of that before they come anywhere near what, say, California already enjoys in terms of sexual education and fearless, albeit imperfect, play.

By then, Ken Cuccinelli and the rickety clown car that is the Tea Party will be long gone. Will new versions step up to take their place? Will wanton human sexuality still be under ridiculous duress? Does a pope sin in the woods?

Yes, young Mark, there will always be anti-fun people.

Do yourself a favor and puh-leeze read the rest of this!