Who?

Jon Carroll

"WASHINGTON -- In the past year, lawyers for President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney directed the Secret Service to maintain the confidentiality of visitor logs, declaring them to be presidential records.

"The drive to keep secret the lists of visitors to the White House complex and Cheney's home, the administration says, is essential to ensuring the president and vice president receive candid advice to carry out their duties. The decision made the logs exempt from a law requiring their disclosure to whoever asks to see them."

Logically, then:

Washington -- Lawyers for President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have moved to make the text of all laws initiated or supported by them unavailable to whoever asks for them. The laws will still be available to all people who do not ask for them. Members of Congress will be able to see the laws on a "need to know" basis once they have voted in favor of them.

Washington -- Lawyers for President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have moved to have their names stricken from all public documents. "If the terrorists knew who the president was, they could very easily find out where he lives," said Press Secretary Tony Snow. "They could learn to whom he is married and where his daughters go on vacation. Imagine what they could do with that information!"

Washington -- Lawyers for President X and Vice President Y have asked the lawyers to classify everything that might be described as "information." Said Press Secretary Beta 5: "More than anything, the terrorists want information. They spend their time and resources attempting to acquire it. It is our job to prevent that from happening. I did not make these remarks and I do not exist."

We must ask you not to read this column. Doing so would subject you to stiff fines and harsh penalties. If you are still reading this column, please waterboard yourself until a federal agent arrives to do it for you.

Look for Bush, Cheney, and Rove to disguise themsleves and slip out of the White House in the dead of night so as to not be set upon and savaged by Repuglican't presidential candidates. Tonight would be fine.