Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Everything you ever wanted, delivered yesterday

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford spouting off on entitlement and survival and same-day delivery and Willard.

Here is the good news: The apocalypse cannot touch you. The misery and pollution, poverty and mega-slums of the scary third world are still at least a few dozen miles away. The global food riots are still reserved for grumpy French farmers and large swaths of north Africa. Gas prices are still SUV-liscious.

See, with completely pointless tech like that, who has time to worry about heat waves and freak storms? Who has time to bother to look up from their screen to see the dark clouds gathering, the crops withering or the rich, vacuous Mormon lunatic lurching toward the White House, trying to become president of the United States?

Ah, Mitt Romney. Truly a self-made man, you must agree. A perfectly honed, machine-made uber capitalist, cast from the finest dolt-grade aluminum, making all sorts of slimy but mostly legal deals that made him a millionaire 200 times over without actually working, a snob and elitist par excellence.

Really now, who doesn’t want a life like that? No one doubts Mitt would be a horror-show disaster for America, if he became president. No one disputes he’s a hollow, vaguely creepy, spiritual bereft corporate monster. But he’s also very, very rich. And baby, we love that.

Here is the great and tragic secret of America: Offer almost any devout Christian, liberal, hippie, or Republican homophobe say, $50 million to give up her anti-gay spittle or solar-powered water bottle Kickstarter campaign forever, and watch as she grabs the cash and sprints for a designer bunker in the Hamptons, never to return.

And why? Because, like Mitt, everyone wants to be insured against the apocalypse. Everyone wants the delicious padding of all that cash, all that ego, all that numb, drugged-out disconnection from the mess and blood and spit of ugly reality. Revolution? Education reform? Health care? Sure. But we’d rather have a gated community, a hot tub and some money. This is America, remember?

Also an assortment of 'just the basics' available from Amazon. In Hell. Heh. Be sure to click 'see caption' to find out zombies HATE sardine cans. It's a comfort...


I actually get the catalog with the 12" Elite Forces bowie knife for six bucks. They have Bat'leths and other Klingon weaponry sometimes too.

1 comment:

Phil said...

Dolt grade aluminum, that's a keeper.