Republicans panicking is not a pretty sight.
Wrongamundo, my fiery-tressed vixen! It's beautiful! 'Tis a joyful sight, like watching bullies slap each other around instead of you.
Or not so pretty, like watching all the self-proclaimed he-men tossing the women and children overboard to get a place on the lifeboat.
It's your call, but I'm laughin' my ass off.
Candidates around the country have been race-baiting, gay-baiting, Michael J. Fox-baiting and Hispanic-baiting. But now it has come to this: Republicans are novel-baiting.
Still trying to recover his balance, after slipping on a macaca and admitting he was a Jewish bubba, one criticized for using racist language, displaying a Confederate flag at home and keeping a hangman's noose at his old law office, Senator George Allen of Virginia unleashed a vicious attack on Jim Webb Thursday night. He called him a fiction writer.
"You called me a what? Pistols at dawn, sir!"
"Senator Macacawitz" makes stuff up too, but he obviously doesn't grasp the fine distinction between literature and self-serving lies.
The Republicans' usual trick - having Dick Cheney terrify women into thinking that terrorists will kill their children if they vote for girly Democrats - isn't flying this year, so now the G.O.P. is resorting to more personal, and goofy, attacks.
Senator Allen may be able to hurt Mr. Webb, especially if he prints up all the steamy quotes on fliers and puts them on the windshields of Virginia churchgoers on Sunday.
The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee fought back yesterday by putting out excerpts from G.O.P. pulp fiction. "Brothels, sex kittens, pedophilia?" they began their sampling of Republican scribblers, including Lynne Cheney, Newt Gingrich and Scooter Libby.
The Democrats also turned up a romance novel by Susan Combs, a Republican candidate for Texas comptroller. Ms. Combs wrote "A Perfect Match" about "a freckle-faced brunette," a cryptologist from the National Security Agency who falls for her "gray-eyed bodyguard" with his "powerful, strong arms" and his erotic pistol-cleaning technique. She desired him to "fill the aching void at her center" where a "deep heaviness throbbed in her belly."
It's what the Democrats' candidate, Jim Webb, would diplomatically call "a horny woman's dream."
All across the world, from the halls of power to caves in Afghanistan, there is rolling-on-the-floor, laugh-'til-your-sides-hurt glee at the desperate childish antics of the power-seekers in The Last Superpower.
It's just another entertaining American cultural export, folks, like Michael Jackson or Madonna, only a lot more pathetic.
Makes ya proud to be an American, huh?