My friends, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.
I have just called Senator Obama to congratulate him on – (Boos. Shouts of “Terrorist!” “Arab!”). No, no, please – none of that, now. Let’s all just breathe into a paper bag and calm down.
My friends, this is a historic night. Tonight America elected its first African-American president.
Well, as that great philosopher, Yogi Berra, said when someone told him a Jewish man had been elected mayor of Dublin: “Only in America.”
My friends, now is not the time for recrimination. There will be time for that. Like tomorrow morning. For now, let me just say, I thank you for your tremendous effort and hard work. I could not have done this without you all. I’m just sorry that so many of you will now not get patronage jobs in the federal government.
I would like to thank Governor Palin for her (looking away from TelePrompTer) ... well, OK, maybe that wasn’t such a smart choice, after all. But look – did you really want Mitt Romney? Heck, I wanted Joe Lieberman. He’s Jewish. “Only in America”, right? But, foolishly, I let my so-called “brain trust” (makes quotation mark sign) talk me out of that. Good move, McCain. They said: “Governor Palin will appeal to the base. We need the base.”
The base (sighs heavily). In other words, the same people who were credulous enough to believe Karl Rove’s [expletive deleted] robo-callers in South Carolina back in 2000 that my adopted Bangladeshi daughter, Bridget, was my love child. The base. Well named, aren’t they? You’ve got to appeal to them, they told me. Well, my friends, I guess this time around I was the credulous one. Because I bought into their brilliant genius idea that my running mate should be a ... (sighs) . . . Oh, well, what’s the use. As she would say, go tell it to the fruit flies. (Returning to script.) So let me thank Governor Palin for ... all that she did to me. For me, I mean. Little Freudian thing, there.
My friends, in what years remain to me, I will continue to fight the good fight in Washington. I just won’t be living in that nice government housing down there on Pennsylvania Avenue.
But I’ll be in Washington. Oh, yes. Along with my fellow – sheesh, what a night – 38 Republican senators.
You know the story of the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. They didn’t have it so easy, either. I and my fellow Spartans will be the only thing standing between the taxpayers and an army of big spenders.
When the Spartans were told that the Persian army was so numerous that their arrows blotted out the sun, one of the Spartan captains said: “Great! Then we shall have our fight in the shade!”
Well, my friends, as someone who’s had skin cancer, let me say, fighting in the shade suits me just fine.
It'll be shady enough under yer rock, Johnny boy.
*FFC - Favorite Fuckin' Conservative