Thursday, September 2, 2004

Mantail On The Fantail

As I was thinking wistfully of all the fun Mr. and Mrs. F. are going to have on their sea cruise, I was reminded of my own, long ago, first introduction to the manly nautical life. I had just reported aboard (If you can call being dumped out of a sack onto the poop deck "reported aboard") the finest ship of the line in the Queen's Navee, the H.M.S. Poufter Boy.......
Note: Think of the dulcet, gentle voice of "Long John Silver" in the movie "Treasure Island".

"Aarrr! First time to sea, eh, matey? Bunk o'er here by me and I'll show yeh the ropes. Aarrr! There's a good lad, right enow! Stay away from that gang o'er there, they'll have yeh beaten, buggered, and sissified by the dog watch! They like nowt better than friggin' in the riggin', keep a weather eye on yer arse, 'specially while yer reefin' on the royal flyin' topgallant. 'Tis a long way down and they'll take yer measure there. Aarrr! I long for the good ol' days of rum, sodomy, an' the lash! T'were a gentler time, I can tell you!"

I spent a memorable career at sea, and with my pension, I acquired an extensive collection of show tunes which I play to soothe the customers at my interior decorating business. A lot of my best customers are retired sailors.

But seriously, I think the Fixers' biggest danger at sea will be the Buffet. Bon Voyage.

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