Republican States of America

The new rules:

1. No free speech. Criticizing a Republican is illegal. Criticizing any Republican policy is illegal. You so-called 'moderate' Repubs take heed. The word 'bipartisanship' will be stricken from the language. All communications will be monitored for anti-Republican activity. Hey, if you're not doing anything wrong, you got nothing to hide, right?

2. No pornography. Sorry, guys, use your imagination. Ooops...I forgot, masturbation is frowned upon too. Think of all those potential fetuses you're shooting into that Kleenex.

3. No birth control, no abortions. Unwanted pregnancy? Sorry, shouldn't have had sex in the first place unless you're married. The fact that you're pregnant is a gift from God (except in the situation described in #5, in which your soul and the souls of your progeny will be banished to the Fires of Hell).

4. No sex before marriage. You Jesuslanders abstain until marriage, right? So this shouldn't be too hard for ya.

5. No sex (marriage) between races. I mean, if we keep that up, the average American will be brown and swarthy in 50 years. Note to Jesuslanders: If your lily white daughter gets knocked up by Mandingo who plays middle linebacker on the high school football team, see #3.

6. Homosexuality. Illegal, punishable by death. Move to France if you wanna do that shit. There will be camps to straighten out those of you who want to stay.

7. State religion. Everyone (no exceptions) will accept the God of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson as their one true God. Eh? What's that, you Jewish folks? Get real. We don't need you anymore and you can go to Israel if you want to do that Old Testament shit, or you can remain and be treated like Muslims. Muslims, the last of you should be in the appropriate camp by the end of the week. Anybody else? Just get the fuck out, or convert, or you'll end up like the Muslims too.

8. Education. Each school district will build one big building, the 'District Home School'. All children will attend and a faith-based curriculum will be taught; if it didn't happen before the end 13th Century, it doesn't matter, except for the Republcan Reform of 2007 when we all were required to lead faith-based lives.

9. Opposing political parties. Eh? What?

10. Social programs. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. By the way, what little Social Security you do receive will be discontinued at the end of the month. After all, FDR was a Communist and we don't want any of that now, do we?

I'm sure there's a million more but I have to go to work. Feel free to add in 'comments' and I'll put 'em up here (with proper credit of course) when I get home.

Update:

For your list, a bumper sticker:
I am holier than thou. - dus7

"Since there will be no taxation, all monies from formerly Blue States will be sent directly to formerly Red States so they can maintain their lifestyle since they are so well educated they can't make a decent living. This will also serve as a penitence for the former godless, ungodly, and unrepentant Blue-Staters since we need the money and therefore can't 'purge' them like we'd like to." - Gordon