Sunday, December 18, 2005

What I did on my summer vacation all year

It's that time of year again. The time when Christmas cards begin to show up with something extra. Money? No such luck. No just a piece of paper (or two) telling me everything the sender did in the past year. A taking stock sort of thing. Know what? Spare me.

1. I don't give a shit that little Johnny is now potty trained, or learned to wipe his own ass...finally.

2. Don't care that your neighbor finally got that growth (the one that looks like a second head) removed from his neck.

3. Don't care that your widowed father finally married that ex-stripper he's been seeing (who's 40 years younger than he) since your mother passed away, cheating you and your siblings out of your percieved inheritance.

4. Don't care that your piece of shit brother blew another parole hearing because he can't keep his trap shut for an hour and will have to spend at least another 18 months on Riker's Island.

5. Don't even give a shit that you found Jesus sometime between your 4th of July party and Labor Day and now you're waiting for the Rapture.

Look, if we don't know each other well enough for you to keep me apprised of the doings of your dysfunctional family during the year, I don't need to hear it all as I'm trying to sort through my mail. If we do know each other well enough, why in Hell are you reminding me of all the shit you put me through the past 365 days? I'm giving your gift to someone else now.

If you're a customer of mine, our relationship shouldn't even be on the level where you have to stick one of these rambling dissertations inside the card for the shop. I don't need to know what that smell, and the corresponding stain, in your car really was. Bring us beer instead. We'll like you better.

Look, what I'm saying is this. A Christmas (or any holiday) card brings out a smile, be happy with that. Do you have to bother me with a list of all the crazy shit you've done during the year? I got enough of my own shit to worry about at this time of year, be glad I don't tell you about it (those of you in inter-faith marriages know what I'm talking about). The wingnuts want to talk about a 'War on Christmas'? I'm declaring a war on the holidays. All of 'em are making me crazy.

And for something serious, check out AOB.

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