REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
New York, NY
6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment"
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Freedom Fries served
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: " Corporations: The Government of the Future"
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even when You Feel Squishy Inside"
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: "New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt"
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord