How did this happen? It was a week before Black Friday 2002, and I was talking to the guy at the Macy's information kiosk about wanting to take my Christmas shopping to the next level. He said I should meet him in the parking lot after closing, and when I did, he gave me a small brown bottle labeled "Santa's Little Helper." Mix in a teaspoonful with my eggnog every night, he told me, and before long I'd be the shopper rushing home with the most treasures.
Sure enough, a week later I could carry a stack of flat-screen TV's the quarter-mile to the registers without breaking a sweat. I could shop from one end of the mall to the other in six minutes flat, including a break for a Cinnabon. From that day on, I was hooked.
Right now the last thing this season needs is another black eye. But the public should also know that I'm not the only one on the juice. I won't name names, but I would strongly suggest that department stores institute random drug tests, especially at the express checkout line.
For my part, I will accept my impending ban from the mall through 2007. Until then, I will be doing all my holiday shopping in a closely monitored online environment, where I can do no more harm to the season I love so much. That said, those of you still using dialup better upgrade now, or else you'll definitely be eating my high-speed D.S.L. Web dust during the post-holiday sales.
Funnier'n shit. Go read it and have some fun.