Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Letter from Bank of America

[NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) November 2, 2011 – The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:

Dear Valued Customer:

As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.

Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it's understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.

That's why we are writing to you today with a simple message: "Our bad." And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.

You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.

If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)

Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won't notice.


Bank of America]

I cancelled two BofA credit card accounts last week. I hadn't used them in years and they were expired but they tried to charge me for a McAfee anti-virus "subscription" which I no longer wanted. When the gal asked me why I was closing them out, I told her I didn't like BofA. Her reply was "absolutely!".


Fixer said...

The Mrs. and I are proud that we use a local bank exclusively (have for years). Also, our investments are handled by 2, separate, one-person firms.

Fixer said...

The only credit card we have is AmEx Delta (we use it as a debit card) that allows us to fly basically for free thanks to the Mrs. business travel frequent flyer points.

Gordon said...

We use a Costco AmEx and a coupla credit cards and a debit card from Bank of the West, a French concern, therefore they have rules that put our big banks to the shame they deserve, and from which Mrs. G retired from the capital marketing dept. no less.

Gordon said...

BotW also takes care of our investments.

Fixer said...

... they have rules ...

What are these "rules", Kimosabe?

Gordon said...

Sound principles of banking.