March is now upon us. It is the month that Catholics cause to come in like a lion eating True Christians™, and Baptists rescue and make go out like the Lamb of God. Right at this very moment, the Pope is instructing his new cardinals, all wearing dresses the color of Satan's rump, to open the lower dungeons of the Vatican and let loose their annual storehouse of malignant leprechaun spirits to steal gold from wealthy, blessed Evangelicals and spread green leprosy into the homes and upholstery of True Christians.
As always, Landover Baptist is well prepared for the demonic onslaught this year. "Saint Patrick's Day is like green beer - something the Lord never intended," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We always get a little taste of Catholic Hell on this 'so-called' holiday, made popular by Irish layabouts, who seem to think it is a badge of honor to come from an island without snakes – even though it is chock-full of potato-boiling drunks.
Granted, a few of our Irish and Irish-for-a day friends may see a few snakes in the next day or so, but what the heck, it ain't like they're handling them in church, now is it? Faith an' Begorrah!