Unlike priests of yore, who condemned masturbation as a sin, the first stumble towards damnation, this enlightened father took a more character-building tack, saying that what was wrong with fondling yourself was that it was "selfish."
I must have made a face because the priest looked at me and asked me to say what was on my mind.
"But, Father," I piped up, "some things can't be shared."
Masturbation isn't a glamorous activity or the best topic of conversation to broach in a crowded elevator, but if it can keep dogs from being bothered and help undermine the American empire, it serves a social utility.
Some of my proposed-and-wisely-discarded responses made me blush!
And for you Wolcott-o-philes, this other kind of self-flogging:
I will be part of the panel on this Sunday's Topic [A] with Tina Brown (CNBC, 8 PM) along with--well, it's quite a crew, quite a posse, but for you blog voyeurs the salient datum is that Ana Marie Cox is also riding the sofa. Wonkette's Hot Pick of the Week is "long walks on the beach and cuddling in front of a cozy fire." I sometimes doubt her sincerity.