(PU) Just in time for the 5th anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster, scientists have discovered that United States citizens -- alone out of every other people on planet Earth -- possess qualities identifying them as homo sapiens.
Scholars predict this breakthrough, besides inspiring T-shirts for the 9/11 Commemoration, will transform major academic disciplines, particularly the field of anthropology. "It could reconfigure the concept of evolution, itself," surmises Dr. Joan Bloodloss, Senior Fellow at The American Homunculus Foundation. "Although we still believe our species began in Africa, we are now beginning to see that those individuals who migrated north and westward -- particularly across the Atlantic Ocean -- developed more advanced traits as they went, until they reached the North American continent, just below Canada and above Mexico, where, around the year 1776, they became fully human.
"Those who migrated in other directions," continued Dr. Bloodloss, "have remained essentially bipedal primates. You'll see this pattern all across Europe -- except for the French who are, of course, rapidly devolving. Arabs? I'm not even sure if they're primates. We won't really know until we can bomb more of them."
President George W. Bush, in celebration of his godlike powers over life on this planet, is scheduled to speak on September 11 at the World Trade Center Commemoration. There, to a battle-fatigued and shell-shocked world, Mr. Bush intends to proclaim his humanity.
Unrelated, but I couldn't resist:
(PU) Actor Mel Gibson, apparently distraught upon discovering that his hero and savior Jesus Christ was Jewish, was arrested again last night on charges of drunkenness, as he drove his car head-on into a large statue of Jesus that adorned the Church of the Immaculate Bris, on Pasadena Boulevard.
"Take that, Jew-Boy," Gibson was heard to scream, as he repeatedly backed his car over the white plaster shards that covered several square feet of lawn.
At press time, reporters were unable to determine if Jesus had accepted Mr. Gibson's apology.
I bet you're glad I warned ya, huh?